Thursday, October 23, 2008

Shit Stories

Once upon a time when I was at school there was this chap called Hans.
He was a burly brute and he proudly did a monolithic turd of such great magnitude it shut down the toilets for a week.

Someone had blocked the bog with toilet paper. He then proudly crafted his very own Cleopatra's needle which I swear to you was more then a foot long. The circumference at the base was at least 7" which tapered off as the poo ascended skywards with uncanny precision. Everyone saw this "creation" before the area was cordoned off.

The school caretakers refused to tackle the problem. A week later a sort of biohazard environmental team came to make the area safe again.

And did I mention the smell.........Unholy.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Big Fat Shit

2 years ago in our office, we got a new programmer. To reeinforced stereotypes of programmers, as seen in The Simpsons when Homer gets disability allowance, this guy was huge. About 5'8", but with a body that would make Rik Waller look svelte. We worked on the second floor, so he came in everyday knackered from making it up the stairs (in which time, no one else could use them) and it took 2 hours for his breathing to return to normal.

Our toilet cubicles are 3ft x 6ft x 8ft. One of my colleagues was amazed one morning when he saw the guy struggling out of one of them. As they passed each other, he noticed a strong whiff, but put it down to being a fat bloke who's had to climb stairs. He then turned to look in the cubicle and promptly through up. The back wall, bowl and fittings were completely covered, up to a height of 4ft on the wall, in runny shite.

The toilet was closed for 2 days. The fat guy resigned the day after.

Friday, October 10, 2008


At the end of a messy evening I found myself crashed out around my friends house with a few other pissed twats - most notably, 2 girls.

After drunken banter we all started to fall asleep, until one of the group loudly farted. Naturally the whole room errupted with laughter, save one of the girls screaming "That's disgusting!", to which my friend leaped up, pushed his y-front covered arse next to her face and visibly strained. He got much more than he bargained for and what the poor girl saw was a small turd poking at his pants like a midgets erection.

I believe he is still single.